At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
