this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
