how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
