I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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