I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize