I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
