I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
