I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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