Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
