Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize