I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
