woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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