My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
