Just fell off a train. Bad.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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