Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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