return my video game
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
