I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize