I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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