Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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