I got chris browned last night
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
