Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
