Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
