i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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