I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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