And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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