Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm too high and old for this...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
