so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize