I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I love having hate sex.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
