i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It's shark week go big or go home
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
