The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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