you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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