your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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