U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
