i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize