I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
We left an ass print on the piano.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
