you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize