we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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