Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
