I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Randomize
