So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
barbara walters just said penis...
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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