I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
