I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
