I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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