i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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