I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
