I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
