Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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