between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
