it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
