Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
