Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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