today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
