Are we in a gay sports bar?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
