Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
