Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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