when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
