I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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